If I Were There
by x-Wabisuke-x
Summary: Usopp's out of town on a job and Sanji's bored. Good opportunity to try something new. SanUso AU Phone dirties. Quick One-shot.


Warning- Explicit… kinda raunchy. Sanji x Usopp, like it says in the summary, and phone sex. Takes place in the same universe as Bottle It but all you need to know is that Usopp is out of town on a job and they're both feeling all lonely.

**Oh, and this also kind of sucks. But I threw it up here anyway. I've wanted to write phone sex for a while, okay? Turns out I'm bad at it.**

Usopp yawned obnoxiously as he flopped onto the edge of the bed, shoving his pinky up his nose to do some after-shower cleaning. He watched the infomercial that popped up on the TV through tired eyes and flicked away the bit of gold he'd dug up before yawning again.

He was tired as hell, but the sooner he slept the sooner he'd have to go back to work, and for just an hour or so he wanted some time to just do _something _that wasn't painting or sleeping.

He blinked in sync to the flipping of the television channels by his thumb, having a hell of a time keeping his eyes open.

He came upon some adult cartoon with bad animation and obnoxious voice actors, and paused his surfing for a moment to watch.

He pursed his lips critically as the show went on for about one minute, until the loud playing of his current favorite song called his attention.

"Hm?" He snuffed, looking over his shoulder at it. Those bastards weren't trying to get him to come by early again, were they? He shifted to his knees and crawled up to the head of the bed to snatch the phone off the nightstand. Plopping down cross-legged on the pillow, he unlocked the screen and was not only relieved at what he saw. Maybe a little ecstatic.

Sanji grinned at the sound of Usopp laughing through the phone as he answered. "Sanji!" He heard his name in between. _Silly bastard_, Sanji snorted. Usopp could be worse than Chopper at hiding his emotions sometimes.

"I'm so glad you called. I've been so bored." Usopp relaxed against the pillow. "Nothing but sleep and work on my end."

Sanji breathed in a deep sigh and let it out. "Same here, really. Probably more sleep than work though, and disturbingly long smoke sessions."

Usopp was ashamed of being just a little bit glad to hear that. He frowned though, because Sanji sitting around bored all day was out of character and kind of depressing to think about. Usopp both hoped for and against the idea that it was his fault, because he wasn't there.

"I've been thinking." Sanji said, and Usopp didn't say anything back still, hoping he'd just keep talking. He wondered if anyone had ever emphasized specifically Sanji's voice when going over the irresistible things about him. All he had to do was talk and he had Usopp's heart beating double-time.

"About you." Sanji was punctuating small phrases like sentences and why was that so fucking sexy?

Usopp shut his eyes tightly as soon as he felt stirring behind his pants. No, no, it's not supposed to be this way. He only said five words and _he didn't mean them like that_! They hadn't seen each other in two days, and for some reason that felt like ages, and at this rate Usopp was going to need to hang up so he couldn't be heard masturbating through the goddamn speakers. Sanji was such an dumbass, how could he not know what he did to him?

"I've been thinking about you kissing me." …Shit, maybe he did. Usopp's eyes popped open, and he swallowed audibly, because now that feeling in his pants was more than just a stir. "Kissing you, and the way your long-assed nose rubs against my cheek."

Usopp snuffed, the progress in his erection having been stalled with that insultingly unsexy line.

"Sometimes the tip nudges my earlobe." Sanji went on, and Usopp was sure he heard the other man's breath hitch over the phone. "When you're not here I think about kissing your nose, is that weird?"

Usopp heard and felt a lump of saliva force its way down his throat, and focused on that to control himself. "You've never done that before."

Sanji snickered. "You want me to?" Usopp could hear him grinning.

Usopp snorted, but there was something nice about the thought of Sanji's lips on his nose. But hell, there was something nice about the thought of Sanji's lips on his _anything_ and he could think of better things than his nose.

"Hm, Usopp…" Sanji said lazily and with a sigh. "What are you wearing?"

"Wh-what!" Usopp stuttered into the phone.

"I'm in sweat pants." Sanji said.

Usopp wanted to ask if that was _all_ Sanji was wearing because that would have been delicious to think about, especially if they were those thin black ones, tattered at the ends and…

"I was just thinking that if you were here right now I'd probably be fucking you."

"S-sanji!" Usopp sprung up from the pillow and hissed, because another part of him might've sprung up quite a bit too.

"It's true." Usopp knew that line came with one of his least favorite 'whatever' shrugs that came about when Sanji pretended something wasn't a big deal when it actually fucking was. Zoro did the same fucking thing and Usopp loved when Nami was around to see it because it ended with both of them eating her fists.

Sanji grinned, oblivious to Usopp's current fantasies involving him being beaten to a pulp. "Come on, think already. I called you for phone sex. Want to?"

That snapped Usopp back to reality, and for a few moments his throat went dry, and trying to talk ended up as a squeak. Finally, he gathered himself, and exhaled heavily. "I don't… fuck, Sanji…" He scratched at his forehead.

"You don't what? Know how?" Sanji snickered, clearly making fun of him.

"That's not what I was going to say!" Usopp barked. Only it was.

"It's easy." Sanji's voice got low, and husky, and the big problem was that Sanji's voice was the sexiest sound in the world even without all that. "Are you turned on yet?"

That line struck like lightning to his groin- some kind of sexually stimulating bolt of lightning that he felt race from the center of his chest to the tip of his cock.

"Y-yes." Usopp couldn't help being honest as his hand slid down his stomach.

"Don't touch yourself." Sanji warned, and Usopp squeaked, stopping himself just in time as the tips of his fingers nearly came down on the fabric between his legs. "Answer my question, what are you wearing?"

Usopp was breathing heavily, had to curl his hand into a fist to stop himself from touching… "Pajama pants and a wife-beater."

"Hmm… is it white?" Sanji sighed heavily, and Usopp's eyes narrowed, suspicious as to whether Sanji was over there with his hands all over his own cock while Usopp was here not allowed to do anything.

"Yeah." He answered.

"Good. I like you in white." Sanji bit his lip as he palmed his own leaking head. "Use one hand, push it up all the way to your neck.

Usopp was a little hesitant, felt a little silly, and generally hoped to God no one could see him right now. But, he did as he was told, shut his eyes, and pretended this hand was Sanji's.

"If I were there I'd kiss your nipple, the left one. I'd nuzzle it and then nip and lick and pull with my teeth…" Usopp's hand imitated Sanji's words, his fingers following the actions he was given like they already knew what was next. They couldn't do the real thing justice- the things Sanji could do with his mouth were unrivaled- but the memories and the voice may have been enough.

"Don't hold back. Keep moaning, I want to hear it. Do the other one." Sanji's breath kept getting heavier, and Usopp wanted so much to touch his aching cock but he wanted more to see where followed directions would lead him. He switched his hand over his chest and tugged at his neglected nipple, whining when he pinched and pulled a little too hard.

"Shit." By now Usopp could hear by the breath pattern that Sanji was beating away as he pleased to the sound of Usopp's half pleasure half restrained misery. "I wish I could feel your asshole right now, if you were here I'd eat you out…"

_Jesus_. Usopp's breath picked up. _Sanji never talked so dirty in person…_

"Finger yourself, tell me what you're doing…" Sanji ordered, but Usopp was ahead of him.

"I- have my pants around my ankles." Usopp started at the beginning. "Was too lazy to kick them off." He explained, and earned a snort.

"I'm um- touching the outside, I wish it was you…"

"Put your finger in." That was a rather rude demand. Usopp obeyed and whined and shuddered as he sucked himself in.

"Oh god." Sanji breathed, appreciating the sound effects more than Usopp knew.

"S-Sanji." Some part of Usopp was ready to explode. "Can I t-touch now?" He begged.

Sanji was silently confused for just a moment. "Shit, I forgot. Yeah! Do that too."

Usopp moved the phone frantically so he could hold it with his shoulder. "Asshole." He ground out, but was cut short by a mewl that came when his free hand wrapped around the base.

"Are you doing both at once? How many fingers." Sanji's words came out between heavy breaths.

Usopp strained to speak. "Two." He breathed.

"God I want to fuck you. Put more in, pretend it's me…" Sanji arched his back nearly dropping the phone as he thrust up into his own hand.

"S-Sanji…" Usopp cried. "F-fuck." He curled his toes into the sheet and strained his feet against the mattress to elevate himself for better access.

"God you're so fucking tight. I can't wait until you're back here…" Sanji kept going, and he didn't need to at this point, but it was sending Usopp further and further over the edge. "I want to fuck you on that stupid wooden bench outside your apartment."

_What… the fuck?_

"God, fuck, Usopp…" Sanji didn't explain. "I'm so close…"

"So am I." Usopp decided he didn't care, curling his fingers and thumbing the opening on his head, smearing the precum as he palmed his shaft.

"Together then." Sanji breathed out. Usopp's breath was coming out in those goddamn sexy little squeaks that might've been about to make this end faster than Sanji intended. "You ready?" He couldn't hold back much longer.

"Ye-," Usopp didn't get to finish the word before his fingers hit something inside at just the right time and just the right angle. Sanji spilled into his hand simultaneous to Usopp's evident cry through the phone, and he must've dropped it from his ear because Sanji could only just barely hear him breathing.

He lay there, trying to catch his breath with the last few pumps until he was empty, but never got the chance to go back to being any sort of soft. Not a chance in hell while thinking about Usopp bent over or pushed onto every piece of furniture in his room.

"Hey." Usopp's voice came through the phone.

"Hm?" Sanji managed to mumble out as he reached for a cigarette.

"I'm going to try and finish early, okay?" Usopp said.

"Okay." That translated quite clearly to a mix between "thank god" and "excellent."

Moments passed, and Usopp was ready to dose off, Sanji's heavy and slowly calming breathing acting as a lullaby. Still, there was one question… "What was that about the bench outside my apartment?"

"The poor old thing looks neglected." Sanji mumbled, just barely audible.

Usopp grinned from ear to ear and laughed. "Freak." He snuffed.

Sanji smiled back, letting the smoke drift from his lips to the ceiling, wondering, as Usopp drifted to sleep, how long he could listen to his soft breathing through the phone before giving into the temptation of the inevitable long-nosed tan-skinned dreams that would follow.

Post A/N- If anyone's following Bottle It I should have that updated someday soon.

**If anyone's following In a Look or any of my ZoSan generally it DEFINITELY hasn't been abandoned but I probably won't go back there until this especially long and kind of lovely temporary SanUso obsession goes away again.**

**Sorry for giving away your blond, Zoro. I'll bring him back in a few days… maybe a week.**


End file.
